Puckternal Ramblings
by Politics.and.Prose
Summary: Puck's thoughts from Original Song forward. Language. Potential!Quick with a focus on Finchel with some Luck and a teensy bit of Fuinn.


He doesn't do it to get back at Finn. He really doesn't. The fuck does he care that Finn got all up in Satan's business? He doesn't.

But fuck if he isn't pissed off that the douchebag _lied_ to her about it the whole time.

Sure, he could tell her but it's none of his business and he figures Finn'll man up soon enough.

But then Santana's dropping the bomb on the club and only one person in the room – aside from Mr. Schue – is surprised: Rachel.

And then they go to some stupid-ass couples counseling and if that's not the dumbest shit he's ever heard of. Fuck, he was trapped in a nasty porta-potty for, like, a few hours or whatever and he _still_ wouldn't have gone to talk to the crazy ginger with OCD about anything having anything to do with life.

He tells her he can help her and it's not like he really _intends_ to end up on her bed, his tongue down her throat and his hands moving to the promised land. But he does and it's pretty epic.

He kinda forgot about what a tight little body Berry had. Until now.

But then his brain starts working (stupid fucking thing) and he stops, spewing some kind of shit about not doing this to Finn again. As if she'd let him fuck her anyway.

Looks like that shit's just gonna have to stay on his Bucket List for a while.

And then there's the most awkward fucking breakup in the school because she cries the whole way home from the tree lot and Finn's trying not to show how much he hates being broken up with her and he kinda wants to punch Finn or himself or her (though not really cuz he would never hit a girl) because this whole fucking situation could have been avoided. Fucking Satan. Maybe he'd just hit her. She isn't a real chick anyway.

And fuck if he doesn't feel bad for her and shit because, yeah, he kinda helped ruin the whole thing.

He wonders if he has some pathological need to fuck up Finn's life or if it's just a happy coincidence. Or if they both just share a type since both have them have been with Q, Satan and Berry.

He kinda wants to punch himself in the temple for that thought.

Then there's break and football and then school's back in and there's football and glee and Rachel.

And yeah, so he _must_ like fucking with Finn because when she asks him to sing a duet with her to make him jealous he's on board before the question's even out of her mouth.

So they sing and it's _good_ – better than, really – and then all hell breaks loose and he has to knock her kicking legs out of the way so he doesn't crack them with his guitar and why the fuck does it bother him that Sam's got his arms wrapped around her?

And then he and Finn have a bro-mo and he promises to never go after Finn's girls again. He thinks maybe he won't be able to keep the promise but feels like a good guy for agreeing to it. Because at least if Finn knows he's not doing it _on purpose_ then it won't be so bad when –_if_, goddamnit – if it happens again.

Which he's gonna really try to not let it.

And then the football team is kicked off itself or whatever and the girls decide they're gonna play and, okay, so he thinks maybe it's a bad idea how truly excited he is once the girls convince everyone else. (And why the fuck is Sam high-fiving Rachel?)

So he asserts his claim or whatever (even though he's pretty sure Finn still has claim or whatever) and grabs her by the helmet and tries not to be distracted by those stupid fucking gold stars on it and then the game starts and he's kind of wondering how long it's gonna take for one of the girls (not Zizes, though) to get hurt.

He feels like a bigger dick then he ever has before when he's glad it's Tina and not Rachel lying face down in the grass.

And then Finn calls him his wingman and sends him in to get the stupid football team back because fuck all if they can take these losers down with a cripple, some girls and three studs.

He doesn't know where the speech comes from but it works so he gets them in their nasty-ass zombie costumes and they sing and perform and then they win the game (though for some reason Finn's acting like he did it all single-handedly or some shit) and he sees it.

_It_.

That fucking look that makes him want to puke and throw punches and be a generally bad person.

And fuck all if it's not the fucking Star Quarterback and Head Cheerleader.

He's pretty sure he feels the high school world shift back to its proper axis but it sucks because he knows it means Rachel's about to get fucked again.

And not in the good way.

But fuck it. He knows she's off limits even if she's technically on the market. And apparently Q is too and he's not jumping on the Lima Heights Adjacent Express again anytime soon, so that kinda leaves him out there alone. And it fucking sucks.

But then there's Zizes.

Yeah, he's into her and he really doesn't know why. He thinks maybe it's because she's a less bitchy, more badass version of Quinn. Like, she doesn't give a fuck if anyone hates her. Sure, Q gives a fuck what people think but it's in a different way. Both of them want to be popular but Z is better at hiding it.

So when she cashes in her seven minutes and walks out after, like two? He goes all fucking Barney Stinson on her. Challenge fucking accepted, Z.

So he sings her a song because it's glee club and Berry fucking melted and Q cried when he sang to them but fuck if that shit doesn't blow up in his face too.

He decides to throw everything he has to get with her. He still doesn't really know why but he's desperate so he joins Lips' Beiber band and gets a wig and feels like a complete douche just to try to get at Zizes and he _sill fucking strikes out_.

He figures JewGod's still pissed at him for something.

So he figures he can kill two birds with one stone when he hears the Daddies Berry are out of town. He can get wasted and he can get Z wasted and into her pants.

He just has to go through Rachel first.

So he flatters her and she sees right through him but agrees anyway and he thinks he's kind of a badass for getting Rachel Berry to have a party while her dads are on vacation.

Both Q and Z yell at him but he doesn't really care cuz he's buzzin' and he has Z's classes so fuck yeah he's boss.

He's fucking kinda running on fumes when that hot-ass Miss Holiday comes back but it doesn't matter because he's got the sex thing down. (Except that one time and you'd better be fucking sure he double wraps now.)

He helps Z with her song and he finds it kinda hot. (He refuses to admit to himself that Q would probably have looked hotter.)

Things kind of skim along until Q opens her stupid mouth to admit to Berry that she's back with Finn and then all hell breaks loose. Rachel looks like she's gonna cry at the drop of a hat and then she writes this _epic_ song (even if he still thinks his was better) and Finn's still fucking stupid enough to stay with Q. But they win and it's awesome.

And he sees the way Finn starts looking at Rachel again and he goes home and circles a date on his calendar in red and smirks to himself. He wishes for the millionth time that year that Rutherford was still there. It would be an easy twenty at least.

He wants to shove a sock down Lauren's throat when she goes all manager on Mercedes and gets the diva to act worse than she usually does. Worse than Rachel does. Worse than any of them combined.

But when Berry tells him to go find a puppy he thinks he'd better just fucking do it because two of the three people in that massive circle of crazy have this weird control over him and so he goes and he looks and then he gives up when he's at the SPCA and sees a cat called Sylvester and he can't stop himself from murmuring "pussy" under his breath.

He laughs so hard at himself that he gets kicked out, without a puppy.

And then it's the night of the show and fuck all if Rachel somehow convinces Mercedes to go on anyway (and yes, it's kind of a fuck you to Z but it's awesome). And they all kick ass and he doesn't even have to give Jewfro a wedgie or anything because the little turd leaves on his own.

He's glad when Satan convinces Kurt to come back to school cuz Kurt's his boy and all (no homo) and then Z wants to run for Queen and he's down with fucking up Finn's happily ever after again because the boy doesn't seem to be moving at the right pace to meet his circled date and even though he doesn't have money on it, he still wants this shit resolved like _now_. Or, okay, _then_.

He helps her break into the office and gets distracted by his own file. It's fucking huge. Like the size of his sister. His mom's gonna shit herself if she ever sees it.

He doesn't know what Z finds, just that it's good.

But when he finds out? He kinda hates her a bit. Sure, Q's a big fucking liar but who cares? So she was fuggo and changed to come here. What's the big fucking deal? She looks like more of a Quinn than a Lucy anyway. And fuck if he didn't wish he could say something to her. Tell her he wouldn't have changed that night even if she was still Lucy and wasn't Quinn.

He's pretty sure that looks mean shit-all to him, all things considered.

He likes the lesson (and the song, but don't fucking say a word) and decides to make a funny shirt that's even more funny when he sees Brittany's.

And then there's the rumors and he can't help himself from bitch at Sam about cheating because he thinks maybe someone (Quinn) will bring up the fact that he did the same thing and he'd be able to tell her that it was _different_ with her because of love.

But he's sort of got Lauren and he wouldn't say it out loud anyway because he can't think of more than seven words he's said to Q since school started.

It just fucking sucks.

When Finn and Rachel approach him about playing guitar for the big _fuck you_ to Q, it's just like last time when he's agreed before they finish asking. And he plays and he smiled and it's fucking hilarious because Q said Finn couldn't sing with Rachel anymore and then the song was Finn's idea and he thinks his buddy's some kind of fucking genius because he doesn't actually _sing_ but hell yeah he's giving Berry this _look_ and he thinks his date might be a little later but that's okay.

It's not that he's jealous that Finn has Quinn.

It isn't.

And then it all goes down the shitter when they find out Sam's homeless so he gives up some clothes and as much cash as he can spare and he stops the group when they offer to go with Finn and Rachel to see Sam because "they're captains" (but really because maybe Finn will wake the fuck up and ask for the Key to Crazytown again.

It doesn't happen but he can't help but think that Finn's kind of moving away from Quinn and he definitely doesn't have a problem with that.

And then it's prom and Z looks good but Rachel looks great and Q looks beautiful and he wonders how the fuck he got himself into this. Yeah, maybe it was the badass factor and maybe it was the unexpected factor but fuck now all he wants to do it break Finn and Q up, toss him back to Berry and lock himself in a room with Quinn until she acknowledges his existence again.

But he doesn't and he decides to spike the punch with Artie's help (after the song the poor dude picked out for Brittany fails) and the prom is kinda kickin'.

He and his bys do that fucking awful _Friday_ song but the crowd likes it.

And the next thing he knows Kurt's boyfriend is singing and Finn and Jesse are swinging and Rachel and Quinn are _both_ without dates and then they're called to the stage and they lose to Hummel and fucking Karofsky and the kind of wants to chase after Rachel when she chases after Quinn but he ignores the urge and dances with Lauren and thinks about Kurt and Blaine and Quinn and Rachel and this is the fucking lamest prom ever.

And then to make matters worse, Sue's sister dies. And it sucks because yeah, she's a bitch but he doesn't wish the feeling of loss on _anyone_ and then Finn and Kurt are planning the funeral and he's driving Rachel and Sam and he's wondering if Sam and Rachel are hooking up because they're always fucking _together_ these days and it's not like _he_ wants her but he wants her to be with Finn so he can be with …

… Lauren …

And Sam just has this fucking awful ability to fuck it up because he's actually a good guy and would probably treat her right.

Asshole.

He finds out later that Finn dumped Quinn and she's shit pissed about it. He would be too if he knew the girl he was in love with was in love with someone else.

He considers calling her but calls Finn instead and asks why he broke up with Q.

"Rachel," is the only response he gets and _fuck yes_ it's gonna be back to normal in no time. It'll be like he never fucked up and gave into the urge to kiss her again.

But then he's even fucking _further_ into the past when Finn stomps into the choir room bitching about "that Jesse kid" and fuck if he didn't hear his boy mutter something about a kiss.

_Fucking Berry_, he thinks when the pair walk into the room together a short moment later.

And then Schue's telling them they're doing original songs and people are excited and it's gonna be epic because they're going to New York and he still has the chance to be right.

So when they get there he hangs with Z for a while and even helps Artie and Brittany with their song. It's painful but hilarious and he's all for Q's idea to run out into the city. So he agrees with her. Out loud. (He ignores the looks he gets.)

When they get back to the room he chills with Mike, Sam and Finn and when Finn brings _it_ up he knows it's his chance. Finn wants to sing with Rachel and Mike agrees and he just can't stop himself from giving Finn _the_ advice. Romance her. Berry's the kind of girl who likes that shit anyway and if it comes from Finn she'll be on her back in no time. Of course he doesn't _say it_ like that, but what the fuck ever. He's only got one more day left on the calendar and he figures that if Finn_ does_ take Rachel out their date could last past midnight and he could be right.

It has nothing to do with him wanting them to be happy.

It doesn't.

So he picks up a piece of shit accordion from a pawn shop and he texts Finn to find out where they're going to be and he takes the guys with him and they sing the shit out of that stupid song from that movie about the dogs and it's _epic_.

Until Berry gets all _Berry_ on them and walks away.

She's gonna fuck up his plans if she doesn't just admit she wants to be with Finn again.

He keeps singing because he's a dick and people would think he grew a vagina if he yelled at Finn to just go the fuck after her.

He doesn't know what happens with Berry when she goes out with Kurt but fuck it if she's not _more_ determined not to get back with Finn than ever.

And even though Kurt's not a chick he still can't hit him cuz it's the same fucking thing.

When Schue says he's staying, he can't help himself from hugging him. Because Mr. Schue's the only dude who's older than him that ever really gave a shit about him and he might have been dying a little inside during that hour when he thought Schue was gonna leave them for good.

But after the girls leave, Finn locks himself in the bathroom and writes a fucking kickass song and he couldn't have said it better himself.

He's pretty fucking proud of the other song too, but he likes Finn's better because he's _certain_ that it's gonna get them back together and end Finn and Quinn for fucking good.

He's really excited about their chances because even though the songs are, like, a day old or whatever, they're good. Really good.

And then some other groups group go and they're good and the chick Rachel sent to the crack house is good but not great.

And then it's them but first it's Finn and Rachel and he can hear some of what they're saying. He's begging and she's loving but she loves New York more and that's _bullshit_ and he really has the urge to punch Hummel again but he doesn't. He just stares at Q and her haircut and wonders if Zizes knows he's done with her now.

Not that she was ever really that into him anyway.

When Finn and Rachel do the song he feels the hair on the back of his neck stand up. It's awesome and full of sexual tension and it's fucking amazing.

He didn't expect the kiss but that's cool because he was _totally right_ and it's enough of a victory because fuck, they showed up with no songs and no plans. (Even though they fucking _rocked_ the other song.)

When Santana loses it he gets pissed, actually. Because fuck, yeah, they lost. But they came in twelfth out of fifty and she has _no right_ to be yelling at Rachel (why the fuck does she always have to pick on her?) and he wants to say something but Brittany calms her down and that's that.

No one talks much after that.

But he doesn't have any proof that Finn and Rachel are together again so he's kinda lost at that too. He's more pissed about that than Nationals.

So when they get back to school on Monday and Finn's hiding in the boy's locker room and Rachel looks like someone told her Streisand's really a man, he knows something fucked up. He doesn't do anything about (because what he did in New York should have been enough) but is more than happy when he sees them walk into glee holding hands for their last meeting.

Schue presents the shitty trophy and everyone claps and smiles and yeah, he'll admit it, something flips in his stomach when Quinn looks at him and smiles.

He figures he's got all summer to pull a Finn-and-Rachel with her.

Because first day of senior year, he wants Quinn Fabray to be on his arm no matter what.


End file.
